just want to be envied, Thin

NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. GUNNA DO IT.

I am so fucking tired of being depressed. I feel like i cant make anyone happy especially my boyfriend happy. Im always in the background of everything, my friends shy away from me because im not a fucking party type and i go to school & work full time and by the time i get out of work, im in bed because im so exhausted all the time. Well its done. No more of this bull shit. I turn to food everyday because im sad and it makes me more depressed that im fat. I notice brandon sometimes checking other girls out and i go home, ball my eyeballs out, tell myself how worthless and ugly i am then binge. WOw. doing myself some good. woop. Tomorrow i will do something for myself for once. I will stop eating. I hate how it feels to never have self control now is the time to prove to myself i have complete control of my body. Time to stop worrying about other people and making sure they are pleased, fuck that. Its about me from now on.

Brandon said i look like i am getting thinner. sweet! i need stuff like that to keep me going- or the complete opposite, being calld fat and such. It keeps me strong. I know by nxt winter i will be in a bikini and i WILL look good. I want to be a completely different person by spring time. so now is the time to get working. I want to be skinny and fabulous. i want to be 130-135 range. that is my goal. I must do it. Now or never. everyday before meal time i look at pictures of skinny people and it helps me so much. I want to be envied, i want to be prettier than my sister who is just soo fucking perfect. Bitch. Youre done. its my turn to fucking shine for once. i want to buy some more diet pills sometime. maaybe the green tea ones. idk. welp. ttfn.

I did good all day until i got home and saw mom made some spaghetti and meatballs my weakness!!! Tomorrow will be different i hope. I'm tired of being fat.. i'm doing pretty good working out n such and restraining. needs to be better though. I can do this!!!!

so i been lookin in the mirror and i notice my stupid fat riblets are starting to go away * i will post a pic tuesday* I am losing weight =] im overly happy & the fact my boyfriend noticed i was thinner made me ecstatic, because he never notices shit!
anywho, i still want ot reach my goal weight. Might start on the 2468 or something. =]
Got on the scale at the gym today. 172 lbs. =]

Today is the day I start over. fresh and clean. I want to do a cleansing here shortly. No more screw ups. not allowed. it cant happen anymore. If I want to be skinny before halloween now is the time to stop being a fat ass. It is exactly one month from my birthday. I want to be around 150. it needs to happen. has to.

i feel so worthless and like i cant do this anymore. i need to work harder. I need to stop being fat i feel so uncomfortable in public and its soooo exhausting trying to find clothes that make me feel hidden and skinnier. its hardd and depresssing when no guys will look at you because youre fat. its said that my boyfriend is disgusted with me and is probably embarassed of his larger than life fat ass girlfriend. i wanna be happy n skinny god damn it.

once again i feel yucky, and sick when i eat food. I want to lose weight so bad i cant take it . i will start upping my work out and eating less. i dont give a shit about health and bullshit like that. i want to look skinny and feel outsttanding. i WILL be 150 or less by Nov. 4th, my birthday god damn it. I CAN DO IT.

Right now im 170.

I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel so disgusting and i feel like i have no clothes to wear. I cant sleep and i feel like a totally dumb fuck especially when it comes to school. I hate the fact im too scared to go to school and work i feel like everyone is looking at how fat i am. I just want to be skinny. I dont wanna be anorexic but im starting to get that way. i need results i hate the fact i feel miserable and disgusting when i eat. even if its a small meal. idk I feel worthless i feel like boyfriend is tired of me probably because im fat and ugly and shit. Im worthless fuck it all. I dont wanna eat i wanna feel good and be happy as hell.

Ugh. last night was horrible. i had a veggie sub and soup from subway which wasnt bad but then i went to work and ate an egg salad sandwich & a chocolate milk and i tried a little bit of meat loaf. THEN i went to my boyfriends house and ate some ice cream OUT OF THE CARTON! what a fat fuck. i made some breakfast today i had a little bit of potatoes one silver dollar panckae an egg and a small piece of sausage and I feel sick. Tonight I am going out with Nellie for dinner n stuff. Hopefully i wont PIg the fuck out. I decided for halloween im going to be a sexy nurse so hopefully i can fit my fat ass in a sexy costume.